Relating to Ourselves

This is a hard topic for a lot of people to discuss rationally, myself included. Self-love runs the gamut from vanity to bizarre self-help groups and everything else that one little phrase can mean.

I'm not fond of vanity. It's easy to place our self-worth into things like our looks or our jobs or other transitory things. And while one can GAIN worth from them, it's always struck me as a bad idea to place our entire worth into something that can go away. I see people spending so much money and effort to try and keep themselves looking young not because it makes them happy, but because it's the only thing that gives them self worth, and it makes me sad. People destroy their entire sense of worth by basing it on their fleeing appearance and chasing after it.

As far as bizarre self-help groups .. well, I think bizarre says it all. I've nothing against self-help, and nothing against liking oneself. But liking starts from a sense of worth, not cuddle-piles with strangers and screaming "therapy". There's a lot of good out there in the self-help field, but there's a lot of garbage, and finding the wheat in the chaff can be quite the tricky business.

We are all sacred. We are all parts of the Divine. These are cornerstones not only of my faith but of my life. And yet I suffer routinely with self-doubt that practically paralyzes me sometimes, and have to work to not question the sanity of those that love me. A reasonable sense of worth is almost impossible for me to attain. That doesn't mean it's not worth doing, but it does make it a constant uphill battle.

How do I find love for myself? Some days, I don't even know. But I try to remember the good things I do, the fact that I try to be a good person. And I try to believe that I'm worth love. It's easy to list of things that I have to believe this: my husband, my son, my friends. It's harder to just believe it without the laundry list of people that love me. But I've been getting better about it, hopefully without straying too far into the realm of the weird. :)

Being the center of my Universe: wow that sounds arrogant. True, but arrogant. It's much easier for me to focus on this one impersonally, that other people are center of THEIR Universe. But that's cheating. :) I try to make myself central in my life, and move from that position of strength to dealing with other people. And when I manage it, it is a stronger place, because my base is strong and honest. But the only time I'm truly comfortable being central to myself is when I'm writing fiction .. when the world not only revolves around me, but revolves inside me. Plus, it's lots of fun. :)

How do I see myself, and is it accurate? I know it isn't. My self-image is still very much the pimply overweight girl in high school, and I haven't been her for a long time. I'm frequently startled when I look in a mirror, and flattered all out of proportion (and embarrassed, too!) when people find what I write insightful. And yet, clearly, I'm good at writing, since people are reading it and finding it useful. And I get complements and second looks when I go out, so I must look good. But to truly believe it? I don't know how, and I wish I did. I'm working on it. And, of course, like all things, it's a process. Some days are much better than others.

I would say that I'm doing fairly well in most things, actually, in relating to myself. But there are some very easy ways to punch huge holes in that self-confidence, because it's built on shaky foundations. At least the things that I do value in myself are, as far as I can tell, true, and I'm not built up on false beliefs. True things are accentuated over time, so I should become only more stable.