He loves me .. he loves me not ..
I get so irritated at the "love story" motif of our civilization. And don't get me wrong .. I love the happy ending, I'm even a closet romantic .. but ... not EVERYTHING involves being in love. Not everything involves being coupled. Life is most certainly more than the constant falling in and out of love and the euphoria of the moment. There is more to life than being "in love", and the more we focus on the euphoria of falling in love as the central state of life, the more we damage ourselves in being capable of actually having a sane relationship.
My biggest problem, I think, it the fetishization of romance and falling in love. It's a state that usually has the stupidest thinking, and we're turning it into the central point of our lives. Yes, it's a nice feeling when one looks at one's beloved and gets all warm and mushy. I don't want to detract from that. But it's a very stupid state. You can't live there. The more we view that state as what "love" should be, the more we detract from the very real work of being in a relationship. It's not all hearts and flowers. Sometimes it's babypoop everywhere and 3AM runs to the emergency room. When we look at love just as the flowers and ignore the babypoop, we end up falling out of love regularly and then blaming the other person for not being perfect.
We need to fall in love with the person, not the fantasy. (at least when we actually do something about it. As a teen, I fell for a lot of fantasies. I never dated them, though .. I knew enough to know I didn't even want to. Fantasies were a lot safer). But when another person is actually involved, we need to remove the blinders. I can honestly say that I love my HUSBAND .. not the man I wish he was, not the man I think I can turn him into (and how stupid is that? You get what you marry .. you don't get to remold the person into what you want later!)
Questions!
How does the Divine relate to my love life? Well, I found someone that I can see the Divine in on a daily basis .. no small task. The people one sees every day are the easiest to see the flaws in, after all. How does my partner being Divine relate? I can't just treat him as an object or someone in my way. He is my husband, my life partner, and a part of the Divine. I can't just blow him off when I'm tired or when I don't want to deal .. which, of course, makes for a stronger marriage as well.
What happens when both people aren't seen as Divine? Things can get out of balance if only one person is seen as Divine. If it's the other person, you neglect yourself. If it's you, then the other person becomes merely your sattelite. In neither case is it love. Love comes from a place of balance .. neither person "better". If one person is "better" than the other, there will be problems no matter how much love there is to start.
What's better, being whole or being in love? It's been brought to my attention I worded this badly. :) But if you're not a whole person before you fall in love, you won't be a whole person after, either. I do think I'm a better and more complete person with my husband than without him .. however, that doesn't mean I was half a person before I met him. I'm myself first, part of a couple close behind that. The second that changes, the system is broken.
My biggest problem, I think, it the fetishization of romance and falling in love. It's a state that usually has the stupidest thinking, and we're turning it into the central point of our lives. Yes, it's a nice feeling when one looks at one's beloved and gets all warm and mushy. I don't want to detract from that. But it's a very stupid state. You can't live there. The more we view that state as what "love" should be, the more we detract from the very real work of being in a relationship. It's not all hearts and flowers. Sometimes it's babypoop everywhere and 3AM runs to the emergency room. When we look at love just as the flowers and ignore the babypoop, we end up falling out of love regularly and then blaming the other person for not being perfect.
We need to fall in love with the person, not the fantasy. (at least when we actually do something about it. As a teen, I fell for a lot of fantasies. I never dated them, though .. I knew enough to know I didn't even want to. Fantasies were a lot safer). But when another person is actually involved, we need to remove the blinders. I can honestly say that I love my HUSBAND .. not the man I wish he was, not the man I think I can turn him into (and how stupid is that? You get what you marry .. you don't get to remold the person into what you want later!)
Questions!
How does the Divine relate to my love life? Well, I found someone that I can see the Divine in on a daily basis .. no small task. The people one sees every day are the easiest to see the flaws in, after all. How does my partner being Divine relate? I can't just treat him as an object or someone in my way. He is my husband, my life partner, and a part of the Divine. I can't just blow him off when I'm tired or when I don't want to deal .. which, of course, makes for a stronger marriage as well.
What happens when both people aren't seen as Divine? Things can get out of balance if only one person is seen as Divine. If it's the other person, you neglect yourself. If it's you, then the other person becomes merely your sattelite. In neither case is it love. Love comes from a place of balance .. neither person "better". If one person is "better" than the other, there will be problems no matter how much love there is to start.
What's better, being whole or being in love? It's been brought to my attention I worded this badly. :) But if you're not a whole person before you fall in love, you won't be a whole person after, either. I do think I'm a better and more complete person with my husband than without him .. however, that doesn't mean I was half a person before I met him. I'm myself first, part of a couple close behind that. The second that changes, the system is broken.
posted by Vieva | 8:40 AM
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