Jumping the Cliff
It's hard to talk about transformation in a reasonable way. It's something that happens outside and around words, not in clear language. Also, what needs to change is different for everyone as well. So I can't just offer a simple step-by-step understanding of the process.
I can offer my own experiences. I've had to throw myself over a few emotional cliffs in my day, and it's impossible to do that unscarred. Bits and pieces of what you were do their best to drag you back as you try to walk forwards. It's very easy to feel tethered and dragged back up the cliff you just tried to get back down.
What it really comes down to is faith. When I started actually writing and sharing my religious experiences, it felt like jumping off that cliff. I went from being able to keep everything very private to sharing some of my inmost thoughts and feelings, and I don't even know who's reading. I'm just tossing the information out there in the hopes that it will do people some good. And I want to go back up that cliff sometimes .. to pull back into my shell and hide everything away. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable being open like this. At the same time, that's a really hard cliff to climb back up. I'd have to change a lot of other things that I really like about myself. The information is out there. I'd either have to change myself so that it would no longer be true, or remove the access to it .. and that would run into a large number of other problems for me. So I can't go back up that cliff, as much as I might want to.
Questions:
What transformations fear me? That's a hard one to answer, because I've gotten pretty good at taking those cliffs. I fear when my son will go to school .. I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those women who will blubber uncontrollably. But that's four years away or so, so I think I'm safe for now!
What would I use as a parachute? Well, for my son going to school, I'll use the rest of my life. I'll take that time that he's gone and USE it .. work on my writing, play my video games, whatever it is I haven't been doing because he's been here. (maybe even housework!) I'll take advantage of the time I have so that it's not empty.
What do cliffs and transformations mean to me? What do I hope to find on the other side? Every transformation has in it the seeds to becoming a better person. When I jump over, I can take that chance to improve myself in a drastic fashion. Those aren't casual opportunities, and there's really nothing else like it. When standing at the edge of the cliff, I have a choice to make. I can pull myself into something greater and jump, or I can ignore my chances and cling to what I know. But when I jump, for those few minutes, I can fly .......
I can offer my own experiences. I've had to throw myself over a few emotional cliffs in my day, and it's impossible to do that unscarred. Bits and pieces of what you were do their best to drag you back as you try to walk forwards. It's very easy to feel tethered and dragged back up the cliff you just tried to get back down.
What it really comes down to is faith. When I started actually writing and sharing my religious experiences, it felt like jumping off that cliff. I went from being able to keep everything very private to sharing some of my inmost thoughts and feelings, and I don't even know who's reading. I'm just tossing the information out there in the hopes that it will do people some good. And I want to go back up that cliff sometimes .. to pull back into my shell and hide everything away. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable being open like this. At the same time, that's a really hard cliff to climb back up. I'd have to change a lot of other things that I really like about myself. The information is out there. I'd either have to change myself so that it would no longer be true, or remove the access to it .. and that would run into a large number of other problems for me. So I can't go back up that cliff, as much as I might want to.
Questions:
What transformations fear me? That's a hard one to answer, because I've gotten pretty good at taking those cliffs. I fear when my son will go to school .. I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those women who will blubber uncontrollably. But that's four years away or so, so I think I'm safe for now!
What would I use as a parachute? Well, for my son going to school, I'll use the rest of my life. I'll take that time that he's gone and USE it .. work on my writing, play my video games, whatever it is I haven't been doing because he's been here. (maybe even housework!) I'll take advantage of the time I have so that it's not empty.
What do cliffs and transformations mean to me? What do I hope to find on the other side? Every transformation has in it the seeds to becoming a better person. When I jump over, I can take that chance to improve myself in a drastic fashion. Those aren't casual opportunities, and there's really nothing else like it. When standing at the edge of the cliff, I have a choice to make. I can pull myself into something greater and jump, or I can ignore my chances and cling to what I know. But when I jump, for those few minutes, I can fly .......
posted by Vieva | 8:32 AM
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