When Gods come knocking

I found this post difficult to write, because I have a hard time discussing the gods in a serious manner. I'm not sure why. I think it's because they simply don't translate well to text. Whatever I say, it diminishes the experience. If I could speak in poetry I might get closer, but my nature is not very poetic.

This is also a very personal essay. For most of my life, I would pray at night that I would be shown how best to serve. Even after I'd started work on FlameKeeping, which is what I was absolutely called (pushed, prodded, nagged) into doing, I'd still ask. Because I just couldn't see that I was doing what I was called to do. I finally, about a month ago, realized that I was serving and that I was doing what I should be doing. It might not be everything I should do, but it is the primary calling. And I'm honored to do it.

Questions:
What does being called mean to me? That I've got the skills and abilities to handle something. This doesn't mean that other people aren't called to the same thing and they didn't hear it, or they hear it differently. I absolutely don't believe I'm the only person to be called to start FlameKeeping. I'm just the only person I know of that heard and came up with this. That doesn't mean other people weren't called. It just means they went a different way or didn't have the abilities needed to put it together. (or they're putting it together somewhere else, and I've simply never seen it. They may be doing a better job).

If I could be called by any god. hrm. I don't think I would have picked Apollo, although I can understand why He picked me. I wanted to be picked by Athena for a long time, because She struck me as an ideal. I wanted to be a warrior, to be wise, to be unconnected. It's not what I needed, though, and it's not who I am. I am nurturer, writer, one who brings things together. I'm not a warrior, although I do admire those who can do that. I'm not one.

Would I rather be called to a task or choose one? There's a certain comfort in being called to one, because then I know I'm doing the "right thing". I've always had a problem with self-confidence. However, I think there's also a certain joy in doing what you know you want to do as well. There's no reason one can't both choose one and be called for another, either. But there is security in a call, especially a call that will never be *finished*. I know what it is I am to do. It's not why I was born, I don't believe in that. But since I'm here, it's what I should do.

We are what our hearts are

A large part of the reason for this post is because I've been so very tired and worn out lately. It's hard to care for a baby every day, to nurture myself and my family. Every day I work, and every day it's a success if things haven't become a mess by bedtime. (and I don't always have successes). When all I'm doing is trying to keep even, and I can't even do that, it's hard to not feel like a failure.

We don't value nurturing in our society, because it's invisible. It's so very easy to say "all I asked is that you'd do the laundry", but that leaves aside the fact that the kitchen needs cleaning and the baby needs watching, playing with, feeding and changing. There doesn't need to be someone else telling me I'm not doing a good job. I tell myself, and society implies, that I'm not doing a good job because I'm only holding even. I'm not getting ahead. I'm not doing anything. The only proof of a job well done is things not getting worse, and that's very hard to live with sometimes.

There needs to be a change. There needs to be an acceptance of nurturing as something meaningful and important. Because if we don't do it for each other, the world falls apart.

Questions:
Who do I nurture and how? Obviously that list starts with my son, and I do all the things a mommy does. Follow that up with my husband, my friends .. my readers. It's easier to see what I do for my son. For my husband, it's trying to make sure I cook a healthy dinner for us and keeping the house from becoming a disaster area. For my friends, I am a willing ear and hopefully a sympathetic listener. For my readers .. I don't know. You'd have to tell me. :)

Who nurtures me and how? Well, my baby gives me hugs. That's hard to discount. And my husband takes care of me and does his best to make certain I don't overload myself. Very importantly, when I feel a mess he reminds me that taking care of our son IS a real job to him. He supports my decisions and doesn't let me feel bad because I don't have a day job. And my friends listen to me as I listen to them. That's what makes them friends.

How do I value those that nurture me and is it enough? I'm not sure that's a question where "enough" ever qualifies, even though I asked it myself. But going around saying "I appreciate you" sounds goofy, so it's a tough line between appreciative and just weird. And I try to appreciate nurturing by nurturing in return. It's easy to say I appreciate you. It's a lot more meaningful to act on it.

When just barely is good enough

I suppose I should first say that I have a bias when talking about matters religious and spiritual. I see it all, inherently, as personal. We may meet in groups, we may work together, but in the end, it's something that no one can do for you. You get out of spirituality what you put into it.

That's not to say that people that only show up for services and otherwise fall off the face of the earth aren't annoying as all heck. They are. Religion isn't something you take your weekly dose of, like a pill, and then ignore for the rest of the time. And most certainly, one hour of church a week (or a year) doesn't somehow "make up" for all the wrong things you're doing the rest of the time.

One of the problems is that some religious groups play the numbers game. They care more about the number of bodies than the seriousness of the people in them, and so focus on getting the absolute maximum number of butts in chairs, in the strange belief that spirituality will apparently filter into these people if they just sit there enough. And, being people, they value everyone's work as equal even if it isn't in the hopes of getting the bodies.

All of these things can feel like threats. But they're not threats, not spiritually. We can look at them and feel like they're getting the benefits for free that we have to work so hard for. But, really, what benefits are they actually getting?

I, personally, would rather people just didn't bother with FlameKeeping than treated it as a numbers game or an occasional chore. FlameKeeping is a religion of self and Divine improvement. If you're not willing to do the work, you're just a butt keeping a seat warm.

Questions:
What do I give my spirituality, and what does it give me? I give it at least two blog posts a week. ;) More seriously, it is integrated completely into my life. I work to improve things where I can find them. More, I try to be aware of what I see and do and how that affects those around me, so I can try to do things intelligently. It's easy to want to improve things. It's hard work to actually try to do it.

What do I think of people that use spirituality as a weekly appointment? I really wish they wouldn't bother. I usually see it in Christians, but I know all faiths do it. And if anything attacks that casual certainty, they turn almost rabid. Nothing can question that base assumption, not the religion itself or the world around it. It exists in its own little world, and nothing can deal with it. They're irritating. But they don't affect my spirituality.

Why am I a FlameKeeper? Because it matches the way I see the Universe. I bring to it my gift of language. It brings to me a sense of peace and belonging.

Picking up the pieces and going home

I'm always amazed at people that have big lofty dreams and yet appear to be doing nothing to actually get there. Lofty ideas about how to solve great world problems, and not so much as a quarter dropped into a charity bucket at a resturant. There's something wrong with this picture.

I'm not saying charity is the answer, mind you. Charity should always be a stopgap measure. It becomes a problem, in my view, when charity becomes something you rely upon. (this problem can be systemic OR personal. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming those that have no choice: for them, the system is broken). Still, it needs to be there to get by.

But we need to do things. Not just sit around and bemoan what's there to do, but actually do it, and with concrete goals. When I go out to weed my garden, I don't say "okay, the garden needs to look perfect". I pick a small section, one I can reach from one sitting position, usually, and say that I'm going to clean up THAT section. And the next day I take the next section. And sooner or later, it gets done.

It's great to have lofty ideals. We all need that. But we also need to clean up this little corner here before we move on to the next one.

Questions:
What do I think needs improvement most and how do I work on it? For a long time, I focused on the material things. What needed help was poverty, hunger, illnesses. And they're all very important to me still, but I don't have the skills to help much there. Where I do have the skills and the drive to change things is with viewpoint. Change the viewpoint, and everything follows after that. (how'm I doing it? *looks around* if you can't tell yet, I ain't telling you!)

Are there things I refuse to act on? I would say, rather, that there are things I'm paralyzed about. I am blessed and cursed with the ability to see big pictures and how things interrelate, and I can SEE how tweaking this over here tweaks that over there. It makes things difficult sometimes, because I see both what I can do and what that does in the long term, and I'm never quite sure if I like what I see.

Can I distinguish between dreams and goals? Are they set right? Well, I think so, but of course, I would. My dreams directly affect my goals, although the ends do not justify the means. (they never do, after all). But I write one post at a time, and hope that the message I'm sending out actually gets received and makes sense.