Holy Carp, I'm Moving Here Too!

yup. I'm also integrating the blogs!

www.flamekeeping.org

it's the place to be!

It's not fair!

I'm always surprised at how much adults cry about fairness. After all, it's not like fair worked when we were five. So why would it work when we're forty-five?

Sure, it would be nice if life were fair. There are all kinds of things that would be nice that don't seem to exist, though.

Fair implies that people deserve what they get, and I think it's definitely dangerous belief that people deserve everything they get. That goes back to blaming the victim for what happens to them. Sometimes people get what they deserve. Often they don't. Lottery winnings don't go to the most moral or most virtuous player. They go to whoever gets lucky enough to win. The most evil criminals aren't the ones who get caught. Just the unlucky and the ones who don't plan.

We can create a more just world, if we work together. We can try to both be just in our lives and work to increase justice. That means we need to be aware of what the laws are and whether or not we need to work to change them. We need to be just in the small things in our lives. Just because we can take advantage of someone doesn't mean we should. Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's right. And just because it's ILlegal doesn't mean we shouldn't do it anyway. Civil disobedience shaped our country. Sometimes laws must be fought against. Sometimes they need to be fought for. What's important is that we think about it and do what is just, and create the world we want to live in.

Questions:
How do I create justice? I really don't know. I try to follow the rules, but that's not always justice. And I try to be fair, but I don't know if that's justice either. I do try to speak out when I think something is wrong, but I do it very carefully and I don't poke very far out of my hole. So I should do more. I don't think I create injustice in my life, but I'm not sure I do much to push towards justice either.

What does a just society mean to me? Victims are not blamed for what happens. People treat people as they've earned to be treated. Transgressions are punished, but more, they're worked against from the beginning. In a just society, there is less crime not because punishments are harsh but because there is less reason. In a just society, people have and recognize other options than crime to get ahead. I feel we live in a semi-just society. There are good points, but there are also bad ones. There's a long way to go.

What matters more, justice or mercy? Mercy without justice is hollow, justice without mercy is harsh. They go together. But I think justice is more necessary, even if it is harsh.

Could we ever live in a truly fair world? No, because there are always going to be differences of ability, desire, want, and starting point. That said, I think it's a worthy goal. Some of the most important goals we can have are impossible to achieve. But that's okay, because it's in striving and trying we change the world for the better.

It's your fault this happened

It's hard not to blame the victim sometimes. I know I do it. It can be so hard to believe that what's going on isn't someone's fault, so we just decide that it is because it's easier than dealing with reality.

Usually we come up with language that tries to make it look like we're being sympathetic, though. Stuff like "if you prayed, God would fix it" is blaming the victim. It's saying that they're not praying enough, or worse, that God doesn't like them for some reason. "It's a lesson you must have needed to learn" or "it's bad karma you had to work out" is similarly blaming the person for what happened. Both of those imply that there was a "good reason" for it to happen and that it's the right thing to have happened.

But doing this is horribly, horribly wrong. When we blame the victim we're saying we can't help reality. That "you should have known better" or "you should have been more careful." It's a refusal of responsiblity and a refusal to admit that we are interconnected.

When we say it's something we can't do anything about, we're saying that the Universe can't be improved. When we blame the victim, we're saying the same thing. We can't improve the Universe because it's the victim's problem.

It's easy to do. But that doesn't mean it's not a lie.

Questions:
Where do I blame victims in my life? I try pretty hard to avoid it, but I don't always succeed. My problem is usually looking at parents and thinking that "they" should have done better than they're doing. And I do this knowing full well how hard parenting is. I blame myself for being a doormat in the middle of the night when my son wakes up screaming and I nurse him instead of encouraging him to sleep through the night. It's hard not to, especially when I do know it's going to make me cranky and that I could make him sleep.

What do I get out of blaming the victim? Control, in a way. If I "know better" but don't actually try to do something, I can hold out the belief that I can fix it. I don't need to deal with the possibility of failure if I don't actually do it. And I don't have to deal with the fact that I'm talking about a separate person. I can't control my son. It's entirely possible nothing I do will get me the result I want. (or it will be something I'd never think of). He's not a part of me. He's himself. When I blame me for what's happening, I deny that individuality to a point.

What needs to change so I stop blaming victims? It's an ongoing process, I think. There's not a once-and-done way of getting done with that attitude. Instead, you do it one piece at a time in each aspect. I've pretty much stopped blaming people for being "dumb" for not thinking the same way I do, so there's progress. And I'm sure there's something I do that I don't even think of. It's a constant process of self-improvement.

But it needs to be done.

What little I have is ... mine?

I get irritated when I hear that there is "enough" for "everyone" of anything that there clearly isn't. Like money. Sure, there can be enough for everyone, but that only works when the distribution system is working and no one's hoarding, and we all know how well that goes.

Denying reality is not a virtue. It is a good thing to have an idea how the world should be and to work towards that ideal. It is not a good thing to take that idealism and expect the world to already line up to it. When we try to force the world to match our preconceptions, we hurt ourselves and those around us.

The world is not a bounty waiting to be picked. The Divine loves us, yes, but that doesn't mean that our path is smooth and everything is built for our advantage. The world is rough and dangerous, and there's no loving spirit watching over just us trying to fix our life and ignoring everyone else. We have to live with each other with everything that means, the good and the bad.

I try very hard to live without being grasping, without clinging to things that I shouldn't. There is scarcity, and there are things I want and don't have. But I try to be reasonable in the things that I want that are limited, and I try to share what I can as well.

Questions:
What role does scarcity play in my life? The biggest places I notice it is money, because of course there's never enough, and in trying to get published. Because while there's no real limit to the number of books that can be published, they only publish the best, and that's a small number of the whole. And there isn't *enough to go around*. There's only the best/lucky and everyone else. No amount of "enough for everybody" thinking is going to change that.

What do I have that I don't need, and is it worth it? Well, I don't need the size house that I have, although I expect I will need it when I have another child. (or maybe when they grow up a little bigger). I certainly don't need all the chocolate I eat, or the fancyish tea that I drink. On the other time, I don't have much in the way of luxuries in the house. I don't drink alcohol, which gets expensive quickly. We don't eat out often. We buy toys for our son and computer games for ourselves, but we don't spend rediculous amounts. We could be better about it, of course, but I don't think we're crazy about it either.

Do I find it hard to share what I have? Yes, because I doubt the worth of it. What I have, my gifts, lie in writing. But writing is an inherently solitary and self-doubting occupation, so I wonder if my writing is any good and I want to hide it away. But when I do share, I know how I'm doing and whether or not it's any good. When I refuse to share, I refuse to live.

What I give in sacrifice

I give of myself in sacrifice to the Divine. In return, I get myself.

What I give is in large part this blog. I give in thinking and in sharing my thoughts. I feel like I need to do more, but I'm not sure when and I'm really not sure how. A lot of volunteer things happen on the weekends. Call me petty, but I want to sleep in. (I also don't want to donate money AND time. One or the other, thank you. Both? No.)

I do feel like I've gained more in this sacrifice than I've given. I'm happier and mentally healthier with being open to the Divine. But some of the steps I've taken are ones I would not have taken for myself. I would never have started sharing my ideas of FlameKeeping if I hadn't been bullied/requested to do so. But they've been good for me, and I hope they've been good for the Divine as well.

Questions:
What do I give in sacrifice and why? I give of my time and my thought. I give it because it's what I have and what I value. It's true, giving of my thoughts doesn't cost me anything. If anything, I grow in return. But it is still a gift, because no one else has the right combination of skills to do this work. And I believe it is necessary, or at least valuable work.

What have I gained from the sacrifice? Clarity of mind and purpose. I feel more confident about my spirituality and more stable in myself with what I do. And I'm happier. Is it worth what I do? Yes. This doesn't mean it's all happy joy joy. I've had hard times with this, and I've felt used and overworked and miserable at times. But all in all, it's very worth it. I can give and give freely, and am enriched by giving the gift.

What do I refuse to sacrifice? My family. I would love to have a degree in theology, but I'm not going to ask my family to incur the debt for that, especially since it won't ever bring money back in. If I have the money and I can do it without hurting my family, I'd like to. And I'm sure I'd be able to articulate my thoughts better and do a better job at my work if I could get some help with that. But I'm not going to risk my family or take money away from their needs, and I don't really care what it costs.

When Gods come knocking

I found this post difficult to write, because I have a hard time discussing the gods in a serious manner. I'm not sure why. I think it's because they simply don't translate well to text. Whatever I say, it diminishes the experience. If I could speak in poetry I might get closer, but my nature is not very poetic.

This is also a very personal essay. For most of my life, I would pray at night that I would be shown how best to serve. Even after I'd started work on FlameKeeping, which is what I was absolutely called (pushed, prodded, nagged) into doing, I'd still ask. Because I just couldn't see that I was doing what I was called to do. I finally, about a month ago, realized that I was serving and that I was doing what I should be doing. It might not be everything I should do, but it is the primary calling. And I'm honored to do it.

Questions:
What does being called mean to me? That I've got the skills and abilities to handle something. This doesn't mean that other people aren't called to the same thing and they didn't hear it, or they hear it differently. I absolutely don't believe I'm the only person to be called to start FlameKeeping. I'm just the only person I know of that heard and came up with this. That doesn't mean other people weren't called. It just means they went a different way or didn't have the abilities needed to put it together. (or they're putting it together somewhere else, and I've simply never seen it. They may be doing a better job).

If I could be called by any god. hrm. I don't think I would have picked Apollo, although I can understand why He picked me. I wanted to be picked by Athena for a long time, because She struck me as an ideal. I wanted to be a warrior, to be wise, to be unconnected. It's not what I needed, though, and it's not who I am. I am nurturer, writer, one who brings things together. I'm not a warrior, although I do admire those who can do that. I'm not one.

Would I rather be called to a task or choose one? There's a certain comfort in being called to one, because then I know I'm doing the "right thing". I've always had a problem with self-confidence. However, I think there's also a certain joy in doing what you know you want to do as well. There's no reason one can't both choose one and be called for another, either. But there is security in a call, especially a call that will never be *finished*. I know what it is I am to do. It's not why I was born, I don't believe in that. But since I'm here, it's what I should do.

We are what our hearts are

A large part of the reason for this post is because I've been so very tired and worn out lately. It's hard to care for a baby every day, to nurture myself and my family. Every day I work, and every day it's a success if things haven't become a mess by bedtime. (and I don't always have successes). When all I'm doing is trying to keep even, and I can't even do that, it's hard to not feel like a failure.

We don't value nurturing in our society, because it's invisible. It's so very easy to say "all I asked is that you'd do the laundry", but that leaves aside the fact that the kitchen needs cleaning and the baby needs watching, playing with, feeding and changing. There doesn't need to be someone else telling me I'm not doing a good job. I tell myself, and society implies, that I'm not doing a good job because I'm only holding even. I'm not getting ahead. I'm not doing anything. The only proof of a job well done is things not getting worse, and that's very hard to live with sometimes.

There needs to be a change. There needs to be an acceptance of nurturing as something meaningful and important. Because if we don't do it for each other, the world falls apart.

Questions:
Who do I nurture and how? Obviously that list starts with my son, and I do all the things a mommy does. Follow that up with my husband, my friends .. my readers. It's easier to see what I do for my son. For my husband, it's trying to make sure I cook a healthy dinner for us and keeping the house from becoming a disaster area. For my friends, I am a willing ear and hopefully a sympathetic listener. For my readers .. I don't know. You'd have to tell me. :)

Who nurtures me and how? Well, my baby gives me hugs. That's hard to discount. And my husband takes care of me and does his best to make certain I don't overload myself. Very importantly, when I feel a mess he reminds me that taking care of our son IS a real job to him. He supports my decisions and doesn't let me feel bad because I don't have a day job. And my friends listen to me as I listen to them. That's what makes them friends.

How do I value those that nurture me and is it enough? I'm not sure that's a question where "enough" ever qualifies, even though I asked it myself. But going around saying "I appreciate you" sounds goofy, so it's a tough line between appreciative and just weird. And I try to appreciate nurturing by nurturing in return. It's easy to say I appreciate you. It's a lot more meaningful to act on it.