Ahh, Ego and Masks
This was a hard essay to write, and an even harder one to apply to myself.
I don't like people much. I don't like the way I act around people, I don't like the assumptions people make .. I have a very hard time fitting in with groups. So I wear masks when I deal with people. I try to be nice, to keep from pushing my mind onto people. (I don't actually succeed often, which is part of why I don't like people: they tend to not like me).
Society doesn't like people as they are, and the Divine doesn't accept people for anything but themselves. It can be very hard to thread those lines. Some days I manage that better than others. (It's one of the biggest reasons I hermit myself. I'm working on it).
So what do all these masks really mean? They're stifling. A mask can never fit right, can never feel right. I hate it when I feel the need to act "appropriately", the need to be a good little office drone, to keep the conversation off of topics that people just shouldn't know. (Ask me about TV shows, I'm blank. Ask me about something weird and esoteric? I'll go for hours. It can be fun, but not in an office!)
This is, however, the face I present to the Divine. I do my best to be myself, even at times when it's inconvenient .. I tone it down, but I don't erradicate it. After all, this is who I am. If I can't love the Divine as myself, then I cannot love it at all.
What masks do I wear? The one I wear the most is one of confidence and competence. I like to project that I know what I'm doing and feel confident about it, but it's really a lie. I'm not confident at all. I constantly have to remind myself that other people see me as competent, that I have skills and worth.
What dissonance does it cause? Other people don't see me as I do. And while I prefer their image, it isn't necessarily a true one. Sometimes I wonder just who it is that people are friends with, and if they'd like me if they saw the real me. On the other hand, confidence isn't the sort of mask that really fools people, so it's a silly thing to worry about. Not that that changes the worry, of course.
How do I drop masks? I force myself to be aware of them. The more I realize something isn't real, the more I don't like being it. How do I live without them? One day at a time, of course. One day at a time.
I don't like people much. I don't like the way I act around people, I don't like the assumptions people make .. I have a very hard time fitting in with groups. So I wear masks when I deal with people. I try to be nice, to keep from pushing my mind onto people. (I don't actually succeed often, which is part of why I don't like people: they tend to not like me).
Society doesn't like people as they are, and the Divine doesn't accept people for anything but themselves. It can be very hard to thread those lines. Some days I manage that better than others. (It's one of the biggest reasons I hermit myself. I'm working on it).
So what do all these masks really mean? They're stifling. A mask can never fit right, can never feel right. I hate it when I feel the need to act "appropriately", the need to be a good little office drone, to keep the conversation off of topics that people just shouldn't know. (Ask me about TV shows, I'm blank. Ask me about something weird and esoteric? I'll go for hours. It can be fun, but not in an office!)
This is, however, the face I present to the Divine. I do my best to be myself, even at times when it's inconvenient .. I tone it down, but I don't erradicate it. After all, this is who I am. If I can't love the Divine as myself, then I cannot love it at all.
What masks do I wear? The one I wear the most is one of confidence and competence. I like to project that I know what I'm doing and feel confident about it, but it's really a lie. I'm not confident at all. I constantly have to remind myself that other people see me as competent, that I have skills and worth.
What dissonance does it cause? Other people don't see me as I do. And while I prefer their image, it isn't necessarily a true one. Sometimes I wonder just who it is that people are friends with, and if they'd like me if they saw the real me. On the other hand, confidence isn't the sort of mask that really fools people, so it's a silly thing to worry about. Not that that changes the worry, of course.
How do I drop masks? I force myself to be aware of them. The more I realize something isn't real, the more I don't like being it. How do I live without them? One day at a time, of course. One day at a time.
posted by Vieva | 9:59 AM
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