Using people
This is one of those topics that never seems to end with me. The problem is, I'm very GOOD at using people. I don't usually do it on purpose, but when you see how people react and what they're likely to do, it's very easy to push the right button and get people to go the way I want them to.
It's also very easy for me to hermit. It's almost disturbingly easy for me to do so, actually. I often don't like people much, so it's desirable for me to limit my interactions with them to MY desires, MY standards. Play the way I want you to or go home. When I remember that other people are people to, I'm ashamed of my actions. Which, of course, makes me want to hermit more, so I don't have to deal with the consequences. It's cowardly, but it's easier than dealing with people and admitting I screwed up. So it's a constant battle with me.
At the same time, I fear using people, because I know I'm good at it. I've avoided reaching out and making certain contacts that would probably benefit me incredibly in the writing world because I see no way to make them that aren't hypocritical. Even when the contact is available in part to BE exploited, I don't like myself when I do so. So I avoid contacts that aren't mutually beneficial. It might make life harder, but when I close my eyes at night and look over my day, I find myself a lot easier to live with.
Question time!
Who do I treat as a means? I try very hard to treat no one that way. It's actually harder for me with family: I'm much more likely to treat my husband as the kitchen-cleaning man who should be cleaning my kitchen, damn it, than I am to mistreat a stranger. What do I hope to gain? Well .. a clean kitchen.
Do I let other people treat me as a means? That's something I'm less good about. When I meet new people, I'm so desperate to fit in that if it half-works, I'm likely to let myself get trampled on for a time in an effort to not trample back. Then I either disappear or blow up. (I don't do quiet for long. Often: five minutes. But sometimes a lot longer). It's often easier to be treated as a means than cause a scene, and that's something that's hard to avoid doing.
What do I do about strangers? I tend to see them as scenery, yes. If I actually have to interact with them (shop clerks and the like) I try to be polite and see them as a person doing a job, not just a job. If they're someone that just happens to be there, I give them their privacy and expect them to do the same to me. I'm very scared of strangers .. not that I think anything's going to happen, but because I haven't the foggiest idea what to say to them. I'm far too likely to put my foot in my mouth, and that fear makes me babble and increases the odds, so all in all, I prefer simply to not talk to them at all. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I fear myself with strangers. Irritating people, even people I'll never see again, bothers me.
I think it's easy to see people as objects, especially people that you don't actually have to deal with. And I've told off my share of telemarketers. (seriously, dudes, STOP CALLING ME!) But when we remember that people, even annoying people, are real, and have their own feelings and needs, I think we become better people ourselves.
It's also very easy for me to hermit. It's almost disturbingly easy for me to do so, actually. I often don't like people much, so it's desirable for me to limit my interactions with them to MY desires, MY standards. Play the way I want you to or go home. When I remember that other people are people to, I'm ashamed of my actions. Which, of course, makes me want to hermit more, so I don't have to deal with the consequences. It's cowardly, but it's easier than dealing with people and admitting I screwed up. So it's a constant battle with me.
At the same time, I fear using people, because I know I'm good at it. I've avoided reaching out and making certain contacts that would probably benefit me incredibly in the writing world because I see no way to make them that aren't hypocritical. Even when the contact is available in part to BE exploited, I don't like myself when I do so. So I avoid contacts that aren't mutually beneficial. It might make life harder, but when I close my eyes at night and look over my day, I find myself a lot easier to live with.
Question time!
Who do I treat as a means? I try very hard to treat no one that way. It's actually harder for me with family: I'm much more likely to treat my husband as the kitchen-cleaning man who should be cleaning my kitchen, damn it, than I am to mistreat a stranger. What do I hope to gain? Well .. a clean kitchen.
Do I let other people treat me as a means? That's something I'm less good about. When I meet new people, I'm so desperate to fit in that if it half-works, I'm likely to let myself get trampled on for a time in an effort to not trample back. Then I either disappear or blow up. (I don't do quiet for long. Often: five minutes. But sometimes a lot longer). It's often easier to be treated as a means than cause a scene, and that's something that's hard to avoid doing.
What do I do about strangers? I tend to see them as scenery, yes. If I actually have to interact with them (shop clerks and the like) I try to be polite and see them as a person doing a job, not just a job. If they're someone that just happens to be there, I give them their privacy and expect them to do the same to me. I'm very scared of strangers .. not that I think anything's going to happen, but because I haven't the foggiest idea what to say to them. I'm far too likely to put my foot in my mouth, and that fear makes me babble and increases the odds, so all in all, I prefer simply to not talk to them at all. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I fear myself with strangers. Irritating people, even people I'll never see again, bothers me.
I think it's easy to see people as objects, especially people that you don't actually have to deal with. And I've told off my share of telemarketers. (seriously, dudes, STOP CALLING ME!) But when we remember that people, even annoying people, are real, and have their own feelings and needs, I think we become better people ourselves.
posted by Vieva | 9:36 AM
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