What did you say to me?

I wrote this essay because I was irritated by the spirit in which people were discussing FlameKeeping. There seemed, at least to me, to be a need that some people had to mock what I'd written and degrade it. I've run across that while working on critiquing novels as well .. a desire to degrade another's work, and if not the work, then the person. The point isn't what was actually written, but the chance to degrade it.

And it hurts, it always hurts. Even honest critique hurts .. I can look at what someone said about a novel I wrote, agree completely, and still feel a sting .. because it means I didn't do a good job in the first place. And when someone doesn't understand something I wrote and responds incorrectly, it hurts.

It's really easy to be critical, to tear things down. And sometimes that's what's needed. I'd rather be told the flaws of something from a friend that can break it gently than a stranger that just doesn't care. But that doesn't mean a friend can just say whatever in the guise of "being honest", either. "Being honest" doesn't mean the rules of courtesy go right out the window. "Being honest" can be used as an excuse to be cruel, but the important part, and what will be remembered, is the cruelty.

Questions:
Do I build people up or tear them down? I try REALLY hard to build up. I don't see any advantage in tearing people down, and I've had people try to tear me down too often for me to see virtue in it. I try very hard to speak about the idea and not the person, because when you start attacking the person, all the other person hears is the attack and not the message. I don't see any point in destroying people. The world does a good enough job of that as it is.

How do I react to criticism? I try to take it well, regardless of the spirit in which it's meant, but I've spent a long time getting torn apart, and I don't like it. If I think someone's just trying to tear me apart, I shut down. (and start crying. embarrassing). But if it's honest and it's useful, I try to listen and incorporate the ideas (if I like them) and not take it personally. After all, the way someone criticises says a lot more about them than it does about me.

Spirit is not scarce. This, to me, is a cornerstone of how the world works. We use scarcity models to explain almost everything. Food prices, availability of medical care .. everything goes around supply and demand and scarcity. Spirit needs to not go by this model, not be viewed as scarce. It's so easy to see people that have an abundance of spirit and feel the need to bring them down to your "level" to make yourself feel better. There are no levels in spirit, though. There is no scarcity. And destroying other people only destroys yourself.