But it's how I feel!

Part of the impetus for this essay was someone telling me that I didn't have the "right" to be hurt by the way someone else was acting, because she had every right to act that way. I found that doubly insulting .. both the idea that I was trying to constrain her behavior (I wasn't, I hadn't even TOLD her I was hurt!) and the idea that I didn't have the right to have my own feelings. And I found that idea incredibly insulting.

There seems to be no middle ground for feelings. Either I feel it and that's reason enough to act, or feelings are meaningless and everything should go by logic. Both of these are patently unreasonable expectations, but we still seem to operate by them anyway.

It's soul-defying to be told you're not allowed to feel things. It invalidates everything that you are. Being told you've no "right" to be hurt, or angry, or insulted .. that's saying you don't have a right to exist, in a way. It's a way to imply that you're not even real. When someone told me I didn't have a right to be hurt, it felt like a kick in the gut .. and I didn't even hear it firsthand, nor do I take the speaker as a person of high importance in my life. And it was STILL a kick in the gut.

We have an absolute right to our feelings. Even if they're inconvenient .. I have an absolute right to have a crush on someone inappropriate, after all. I just don't have the right to ACT on that crush. And that distinction is absolutely critical.

Questions:
What feelings do I just react to and why? mmm .. I try to not "just" react, although that's hard. Irritability is a hard one to rein in, although I know I should. Happiness is one I tend to just let loose .. it's hard to be dangerous with happiness. Although even then, I try to be sensitive to place and the people around me. Sometimes that works better than others. (and sometimes, I just don't care. When I'm around people that glory in moping, I've been known to be defiantly happy just because I could. EVERY directed emotion can be used as a weapon as well).

As far as "safe" emotions .. I don't think there are safe emotions, I think there are safe emotional situations. It is safe to react to the love I feel for a spouse (usually, depending on the marriage. it SHOULD be safe, at least!). It wouldn't be safe for me to react to a crush, especially in front of said spouse. It's usually safe to be happy. It may not be wise to be angry. It's almost always not safe to react to anger by throwing a punch. It's not what you feel. It's how you react to it.

How can we allow ourselves to feel while still limiting our action? I think the first step is acknowledging that it IS possible. It's perfectly possible to want to hit someone and yet refrain from doing so. Indeed, it is the stronger person that doesn't throw the punch. But more, I think we need to promote restraint in a systematic fashion. It's not simply as individuals that we need to show restraint, but also as a culture. How we respond to other people's emotional reactions determines how much of an emotional reaction we're likely to have the next time. But we also have to allow ourselves to feel. We need to respect and acknowledge our emotional reactions. It needs to be safe to say, "This made me mad because."

When we as a culture or as individuals say that someone is not allowed to feel, we set ourselves up as arbiter over their Flame. This is absolutely immoral, and I think it's damaging on both sides. We all have an absolute right and need to feel. Only reactions should be judged and controlled.