Did you hear what she said?

Gossip is a tricky issue. I've been at the receiving end of harmful gossip, and it hurts. At the same time, there are times that information needs to be shared and people see it as harmful.

Sharing information is how we define our groups. I don't talk about people that mean nothing to me, after all. It's easy to tell how much someone matters by how much one speaks of them. I talk all the time about what my son is doing, about my husband, about my friends. Is this gossip? Well, that depends on what the person listening thinks of it. If they don't like what they're hearing, or think the person I'm talking about wouldn't like it, it's usually labeled as gossip. If it's nice, it's just conveying information or chatting.

We are a speaking animal. It's how we define ourselves and our relationships to each other. This makes how we use our speech of critical importance .. because what we say defines us to each other.

Questions:
When is it appropriate to speak? It's appropriate to speak when it's something that should be heard, or when it's something that's considered "common knowledge". I don't care if people refer to me as married, for example, because I consider that common knowledge. I feel the same way about people knowing I'm a mother. Depending on the social culture I'm dealing with, however, I might not want the fact that I'm Pagan being talked about, and it certainly depends on how it's spoken of. I do not consider lies about other people appropriate unless the truth will cause a great deal of harm and no good .. information about someone cheating, for example, although it will cause harm is information that should be conveyed to the people involved. But that doesn't mean the fact that a person cheated on his girlfriend should be common knowledge to everyone, either .. even if it is a part of the person's history. But people interested in a relationship with this person should know, because it's an important piece of history that relates to their situation. It's very complicated.

Where is it appropriate? When it's information that needs to be conveyed. Even if it's harmful information, if it's something I need to know, not giving me the information is worse. Not giving me information that's important is a bad thing .. even if it's "gossip." But it should be information you're sure about, or at least you should be careful about giving the proper definition. If you're not sure, say so! Being honest about how much you know is as important as what you know.

How have I been harmed by gossip? People have made up all kinds of incredible things about me, which clearly hurt. I suspect it's part of the beast of being a teen girl, and more when you're already the outcast. It's much harder to think about how I've been helped, because often you don't know what information is being conveyed. I know that when bad things have happened to me, people talk about it to each other when I'm not there so I get comfort even by people I haven't spoken to directly.

Information, in and of itself, is neutral. What matters is what we do with it.

nobody's business but mine

I really hate the idea that I'm supposed to be "Pagan" everywhere I go. Or that I'm supposed to be "Mommy" or "Heterosexual" or whatever. What I am doesn't need to be the label on my sleeve.

I am many things, and I value all of them. I don't keep secret about what I am .. but I do use discretion. I don't want discussions to turn into "What the heck is FlameKeeping" all the time .. or, my favorite one, "So is that demon worship or something?". Gah. It's only people's business if it's relevant .. if I'm in a religious space or something. And when it's not relevant, it shouldn't be necessary to talk about. I can't STAND when someone is religionX (be that Christian, Wiccan, or whatever) whenever they talk. Everything relates to the religion internally, certainly, but it doesn't need to externally.

My privacy matters to me. What I do affects the people around me, as well .. so I can't just do what's right for me, but also what's right for the people around me. If I choose to be publically Pagan, that will affect my child and my husband. If I am publically known as creating my own religion, everyone's going to look like crackpots. Discretion here is quite a virtue.

Questions:
How do I know whether to be public or private? I tend to fall on the "private" side of that line, when in doubt .. this blog, moving things public, is difficult for me. Making things public in my offline life is even more difficult, because these are people that know me as a writer or a mom or a wife first, and only later as a FlameKeeper (if at all). That said, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when something rubs me the wrong way, so I tend to say things anyway. But I try to not talk about religious matters, or any other private matters, when it's not relevant. (I don't discuss my sex life with people either .. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's not anybody's business but mine and my husband's! and, if relevant, my doctor.)

What do I do when one sphere pushes too far into another aspect of my life? I ran into this recently when I joined a gaming server and put the FlameKeeping website as my website. There were a number of questions and a bit of .. not hesitancy, but certainly notice that I was doing something odd. On the other hand, it was my choice to put it out there. Otherwise, I am the same person that I was and I behave the same way.

What do I think should be private? Should be public? I think things that relate to one's work-life should be public, or at least public-safe. If you're embarrassed by your job, you need to rethink your work .. or your non-work life. (If you're proud of your job and embarrassed about it around your friends, perhaps you need different friends?) Embarrassment is a good sign that something should be re-evaluated. However, there's nothing wrong with privacy. If it's not relevant, there's no reason to talk about it. That doesn't mean, though, that you don't have to still live it .. just because it's not relevant in your outward life doesn't mean you can ignore it internally. Also, I think there needs to be sensitivity about relevance .. if something becomes relevant, it should be mentioned. There is a fine line between privacy and secrecy .. if you feel the need to keep something secret that is important to your life, that needs to be thought about long and hard. Secrecy can be sign of a problem.

I rule!

This is a hard one for me to comment on because I so fear being in control .. almost to an unhealthy point of avoiding it. I can't stand the idea of people relying upon me to think for them or guide them ... which makes this whole religious thing a little weird, really. I don't want people to have me do their thinking for them. I can give the questions and a framework, but the answers are something each person has to find on their own.

Some amount of control is necessary, clearly. I won't allow people to smoke in my house, regardless of the situation. I don't approve of heavy drinking and won't have that near me either (and, of course, I don't go to bars. I don't go to a bar and then try to keep people from drinking!). I don't try to control what people do in their own space, but I do limit what is done around me. Then you can make your own choice what you wish to do. (And I do my best to be completely upfront about what I do and don't want to deal with .. I don't change the rules in the middle. THAT is bad manipulation).

Questions:
What do I try to control? I try to control certain behaviors around me. I don't want people to do things I find objectionable, and I control that by either removing myself from the situation or speaking up, depending on what's appropriate. (usually by removal. I dont' deal well with confrontation). I don't try to control people .. other than actual lawbreaking and the like, you can do as you want and it's not my concern. I simply try to make certain that I do not appear to be endorsing things I consider objectionable .. after that, it's your problem.

Do I let myself be controlled? To an extent, of course .. I follow the laws as best as I'm able, which is a control. I follow the *social customs*, which is more of a control .. don't let the outside of the house get too scary looking, don't go outside looking like something that just got run over by a baby ..... That said, if the rules are something I disagree with, I don't follow them. There's a "rule" that says women should be "put together" to go to the grocery store, including makeup. I don't think I even OWN makeup at the moment, and if I do, it's old and should be tossed. Clearly I only follow the rules that matter to me .. a little social isolation from people I don't even know because my hair isn't perfect doesn't bother me in the slightest. I have other things to worry about.

What happens to a person that is controlled? to the controller? I think when one person tries to actually control another, you have two people trying to live off of one person's Flames. Flames cannot support anyone other than the person to whom they belong .. I cannot live off of yours, no matter how much Flame you have. Trying to control another person is a way of saying you don't have control over yourself. And to the person controlled, there isn't enough Flame for themselves. It's as if you are a candle on a windy day .. you might not ever gutter out, but there is no light and no warmth.

It's draaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaa

It's hard to resist drama sometimes. After all, we are each the center of our own world .. so OF COURSE what's going on in my life is most important and dramatic and difficult and whatever. It just gets problematic when you forget that other people have their own lives and their own drama as well.

I tend to be the sort of person that gets drawn into other people's drama. I want to help .. I ACHE to help people. And drama-laden people feed off of people like me, because until I get fed up and leave, they can use my sympathy over and over. It's taken me a long time to realize that there's no purpose in me continuing to support such people, and to back away. But it's still hard, because that's the way I'm wired .. if someone is hurting, I want to help. But it's not help for them .. it's enabling.

Questions:
When do I indulge in drama? When the baby won't sleep ...... when I'm having issues writing .. when I feel fat and unloved and a mess. But I try pretty hard to snap out of it as quickly as I can, as well. There's no real point in dwelling in the problem .. the important point is to solve it or live with it and move on from there.

Do I get easily drawn in? I certainly used to. I've been in a couple codependant relationships like that .. they were friendships (somehow I always had better control over my love life than my friendships) but they were abusive and codependant. I have a hard time knowing where the line is, where someone is actually working and where someone's just dwelling in it. Lately I think I may have gone too far to the other side .. I see someone that looks like they're dealing with a lot of "stuff" and I become very self-protective. And I do still want to help .. but I don't want to dance that dance again.

How do I evaluate when it's help and when it's drama? Well, the most important question is, do they listen to advice, or do they just have the same problem over and over without changing anything? People who actually have problems want to solve them. They want to get out of the hole they've fallen into. People that live for drama always have an excuse why the advice doesn't work .. or if they take the advice, they end up in the exact same situation again almost instantly. So you have to decide .. if someone's not going to listen, are they worth the headache? Most often .. not.

I like stuff

I do. I really like stuff. Lately, I cannot be allowed ANYWHERE that they sell baby/kiddy toys without a short leash. I would cheerfully spoil my baby rotten and enjoy every minute of it until, y'know, it backfired. And I like me-stuff too. I'd happily buy tons of books, pens (why do I like pens so much when I always use the computer?) computer games .. things like that.

But I also know that food is more important than books. (that's why there's a library!). Keeping a roof over my head is more important than the latest in shiny plastic goodness to give him. Being healthy is better than being wealthy, too .. sure, we could make more money as a family, but not in a way that would be healthy for us.

We have enough, and while a little more breathing room would help (a LOT! donate to your guru! *grin*) we're managing .. and that's what's important. We live within our means as best we can.

I don't particularly care if my clothing is brand name. (to be honest, I'm not even sure what that /means/. I mean, they've all got labels in them .. so what?) I'm not going to spend extra for the priviledge of sticking someone else's name on my butt. I don't care if I'm spending more conspicuously than the neighbors. I don't even care if the furniture all matches, although I do someday long for a living room that looks a little less like a tornado hit it. (not that I expect I'll ever have one .. I'm the tornado!)

But .. we're comfortable. And that's plenty.

Questions:
What do I desire and why? Oh, I desire many things. :) Most of them I leave on the "I desire" list and just sigh over, because they're impractical or far too expensive .. although I have to be careful to not let hubby know, or he'll try to buy them for me anyway! But I adore things like pen sets, especially fountain pens .. craft sets .. baby toys ....... But I try to be reasonable. After all, a roof and food is a lot more important .. as is my husband working only reasonable hours and spending time at home with me instead of always being at work!

What do I buy that I shouldn't? Craft sets and computer games. I LOVE computer games (and I'm starting to discover the joy of online gaming .. oh dear ....) and I love craft sets. But I never know what to do with the craft set thing when I'm DONE with it!

How do we prepare for the future? That's the one thing we're not doing .. our budget is close enough to the line that we really don't have much in the way of savings. Which is why, if I don't get a book published by the time our youngest is in school, I'm probably going to go to work part-time and just take that paycheck directly into savings. (But I'm NOT just going to rely on my writing career .. too many people set goals on something so difficult to get. I refuse to bank my family's future on something that may never come to pass, even though I truly hope it will).

What did you say to me?

I wrote this essay because I was irritated by the spirit in which people were discussing FlameKeeping. There seemed, at least to me, to be a need that some people had to mock what I'd written and degrade it. I've run across that while working on critiquing novels as well .. a desire to degrade another's work, and if not the work, then the person. The point isn't what was actually written, but the chance to degrade it.

And it hurts, it always hurts. Even honest critique hurts .. I can look at what someone said about a novel I wrote, agree completely, and still feel a sting .. because it means I didn't do a good job in the first place. And when someone doesn't understand something I wrote and responds incorrectly, it hurts.

It's really easy to be critical, to tear things down. And sometimes that's what's needed. I'd rather be told the flaws of something from a friend that can break it gently than a stranger that just doesn't care. But that doesn't mean a friend can just say whatever in the guise of "being honest", either. "Being honest" doesn't mean the rules of courtesy go right out the window. "Being honest" can be used as an excuse to be cruel, but the important part, and what will be remembered, is the cruelty.

Questions:
Do I build people up or tear them down? I try REALLY hard to build up. I don't see any advantage in tearing people down, and I've had people try to tear me down too often for me to see virtue in it. I try very hard to speak about the idea and not the person, because when you start attacking the person, all the other person hears is the attack and not the message. I don't see any point in destroying people. The world does a good enough job of that as it is.

How do I react to criticism? I try to take it well, regardless of the spirit in which it's meant, but I've spent a long time getting torn apart, and I don't like it. If I think someone's just trying to tear me apart, I shut down. (and start crying. embarrassing). But if it's honest and it's useful, I try to listen and incorporate the ideas (if I like them) and not take it personally. After all, the way someone criticises says a lot more about them than it does about me.

Spirit is not scarce. This, to me, is a cornerstone of how the world works. We use scarcity models to explain almost everything. Food prices, availability of medical care .. everything goes around supply and demand and scarcity. Spirit needs to not go by this model, not be viewed as scarce. It's so easy to see people that have an abundance of spirit and feel the need to bring them down to your "level" to make yourself feel better. There are no levels in spirit, though. There is no scarcity. And destroying other people only destroys yourself.

Love me for who I am

I wrote this because I'm appalled by standard pieces of the American dialogue of what "love" is. So many people don't see a problem with claiming love, then imposing their own ideas of who the person is and what a "correct" relationship is on the other person. That's not love, that's possession, and people are not possessions.

It's so very easy to see people only as they relate to yourself, and it's so very wrong and sickening. What's worse is, we celebrate these screwed-up ideas in our literature and television. This leads people to think they're reasonable values, and the circle begins again.

I refuse to be a possession, and I really hope I'm a good enough mom to not see my kids as possessions. (I'm fairly certain I don't see anyone else in my life as possessions .. but my baby is barely even a person at all!)

Questions:
How does love blur ego boundaries in my life? Well, I can't worry just about my own happiness, because I can't be truly happy if the people I love are not. My happiness is especially bound up with that of my son's, because I have such control over his happiness. (also, screaming icky!) What I do can make him happy or destroy his world in an instant, so I have to be careful to help keep him content and cared for. And I have to love him enough to do what's right for him and not what's easy, as well, because what makes him happy now won't work to keep him happy later.

Do I keep my ego barriers high or low? For a long time, they were very high. I was incredibly self-protective, and I still am for new people. It takes time for me to trust people. However, that doesn't mean that I don't let people in, and it doesn't mean that I don't work on it. I've had my ego barriers so high that no one could get in. It almost killed me from the loneliness. I would rather risk the hurt and actually live than stifle my flame to death out in the cold.

Do I nurture flames and love without counting the cost? I do remain protective to the point that if someone's using me, they're out of my life. I try very hard to make certain that I am not treated as a possession by the people around me. (I had a hard time with that for a long time .. not, oddly, with boyfriends, but with female friends. It doesn't have to be romantic to be abusive). But I don't look at how much I do for my husband or my son as a cost. It is what I do for my own happiness. And my husband gives back, so it's not a one-sided thing. If it was, then I'd be counting that cost. My son, of course, can't give back yet in any meaningful way .. but I love holding him so much it's close enough. *grins*

Most importantly, I love people for who they are. Keep that in mind, and it's much easier to go right.

Swooping in to save the day ....

It's me, HeartShadow! Here to rescue you from the emptiness of your daily life!

Or maybe you're going to rescue me today. It varies, and we all take turns rescuing each other from those things that overwhelm us. We all like to be heroes, and we all need to be rescued some days. Today, for example, I could really use a rescue. I'd love to have someone come in and take care of the baby and clean the house and otherwise just give me a day off. Sure, it doesn't work that way, but it's a nice dream. And there's nothing wrong with dreams, as long as we recognize them for what they are instead of believing they are more.

And, of course, there are deeper problems than mine. There are people out there crying for a rescue from abusive life situations, from chronic pain and illness .. if there is a problem to be had, people have it. And they do need heroes if they can't get out of it themselves, but they also need to do what they can. When you sit and wait only for someone else to rescue you, you can't take advantage of the rescue when it is offered. We need to make certain our standards for what we're looking for in a rescue aren't too high. (if it works, take it!) It will never be perfect. There is no hero on a white horse coming to save you from your life. If you want saving, you need to do everything you can to do it yourself. (I do believe the Divine will come partway if it can and help .. but that help only comes when you've done everything you can, or there will still be a gap. And sometimes, there's just nothing that can be done).

Questions:
What do I want to be rescued from, and why don't I just do it? Well, I'd love to be rescued from my health problems, but I'm pretty much stuck with them. And there are days I want to be rescued from motherhood .. but we always have days when our life just isn't what we want. Most of the time I love my life, and so I wouldn't want to leave it to be "rescued" for something better.

If I could change anything for a rescue .. I'd give myself some kind of mother support group. As to why I don't .. I adore my baby, and I adore motherhood, but I think a group talking about nothing but babies would quickly drive me crazy. I mean .. they're not THAT interesting. One's own baby is of cosmic interest, of course. Other people's babies .. not so much.
I do need to do more about that, though, and try to figure out some way to get myself more support without ending up wanting to go insane and beat people that I disagree with. (I don't do well with people doing something I see as "dumb" .. and let's face it, a lot of parenting stuff ends up pretty dumb to someone! I'd hate to think of what people think of me as a mom sometimes .....)

What value does the dream hold? I think it's an important dream. When we look at that and think it's something we want to be, then work towards it (as opposed to just giving up because we don't have superpowers) we can do a lot of good in the world. Things only get done because people choose to do them .. and the more that people choose to make the world a better place, the better it will become.

Thinking Twice ...

This essay goes slightly against human nature. We like to use mental shortcuts, and stereotypes and prejudgements work with the way we think. It takes work to reassess, to take a step back and think about what we feel.

I have a hard time taking seriously anyone that's dressed in certain ways .. especially a man with his underwear showing over his pants. (seriously, what's WITH that?). I can't look at someone dressed that way and take him seriously .. which is too bad. They might have something very meaningful to say, to think .. I'm dismissing, with that, most boys under the age of twenty in certain areas. That's not fair to me or to them. And that's a fairly minor issue, too. (it's not like I teach in a school where this is a common fashion, or are otherwise thrown into contact with people dressed this way regularly and need to deal with them).

I think it's important to know how it is we come across, but I think it's also important to try to come across well. When you know that how you come across affects people, it's reasonable to try and be careful about how you come across. I don't go crazy about this, but I do try to make certain I don't look crazy when I leave the house. My hair is combed and looks somewhat normal, my clothing isn't outragous (exceptions made for days when I'm walking with the baby to get him to calm down. Then I look crazy, because I don't care about ANYTHING but getting my baby quiet!) Give people a chance to have that second thought.

Questions:
Do I see others as they are or as I think they are? Well, at first I have nothing but my own preconceptions. But I try very hard to not hold to those, to let people change my ideas both for worse (which is, unfortunately, easy), but also for the better. I go on the assumption that I don't know a person as much as I can, and let new information in. Sometimes it even works.

Negative stereotypes: ... that's a hard one. After all, when you hold them, they look reasonable, right? The big thing for be is things that look "stupid", whatever stupid is to me at the time. However, I try to not apply "stupid" in one area to the person in general, but instead assume they simply are bothering me in one area.

Do I assume the negative, and if so, why? I really don't know. It depends on my mood, of course: the more angry and hurt I am, the more I expect things to get worse. But I still want to try and keep a positive attitude. People give us what we expect of them .. go into a situation expecting the worst, and that's exactly what you'll get. (not to say all problems can be resolved with attitude .. but it never hurts, and can often help!)

Hell is other people .....

Okay, we all know who the people are that drive us crazy. So now what?

My biggest problems were in the dorms .. and I'm embarrassed to say, I pretty much did nothing about it. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to be "the bad guy" either. There really isn't a polite way to tell someone they're annoying the hell out of you, after all. So I just dealt with it. Were I to be in that situation now, I think I'd be a lot less willing to just shut up about things.

I've had a lot of people see me as compassionate and think that means I'm a doormat. There's really not a lot of acceptance for compassion in our society. It makes people look weak. So I've had the problem of people using my compassion, and myself, without seeing me as a person with my own feelings.

Questions:
What happens when you don't see the other person as Divine? You treat them badly, because they're less than you are. Sometimes you even see them as inhuman. It can result in the worst of excesses against other people, especially when one country sees another country as inhuman and not part of the Divine. It cannot be said enough. We are ALL human. We are ALL part of the Divine. There are NO exceptions, not even for that guy/country/ethnicity.

I want to treat people well. Everyone is part of the Divine, and all should be treated as holy. In reality, I have my good days and my bad days like everyone else. I try very hard to be honest with people without being rude, though. (honesty is no excuse for rudeness!) We are all part of the Divine. Treat people with the respect you want them to give you.

How can you make peace with people that irritate without compromising yourself? First rule is to figure out what isn't negotiable. Perhaps the smoking is non-negotiable, but you don't care that much about the music playing. See if there's some way to build a compromise with the other person that doesn't break either person's core desires. There's usually room in the middle, if you don't hold to positions simply because they're there. Only hold to the important ones. Everything else is up for grabs. After all, if you're not willing to bend, the other person won't either.

Jumping the Cliff

It's hard to talk about transformation in a reasonable way. It's something that happens outside and around words, not in clear language. Also, what needs to change is different for everyone as well. So I can't just offer a simple step-by-step understanding of the process.

I can offer my own experiences. I've had to throw myself over a few emotional cliffs in my day, and it's impossible to do that unscarred. Bits and pieces of what you were do their best to drag you back as you try to walk forwards. It's very easy to feel tethered and dragged back up the cliff you just tried to get back down.

What it really comes down to is faith. When I started actually writing and sharing my religious experiences, it felt like jumping off that cliff. I went from being able to keep everything very private to sharing some of my inmost thoughts and feelings, and I don't even know who's reading. I'm just tossing the information out there in the hopes that it will do people some good. And I want to go back up that cliff sometimes .. to pull back into my shell and hide everything away. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable being open like this. At the same time, that's a really hard cliff to climb back up. I'd have to change a lot of other things that I really like about myself. The information is out there. I'd either have to change myself so that it would no longer be true, or remove the access to it .. and that would run into a large number of other problems for me. So I can't go back up that cliff, as much as I might want to.

Questions:
What transformations fear me? That's a hard one to answer, because I've gotten pretty good at taking those cliffs. I fear when my son will go to school .. I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those women who will blubber uncontrollably. But that's four years away or so, so I think I'm safe for now!

What would I use as a parachute? Well, for my son going to school, I'll use the rest of my life. I'll take that time that he's gone and USE it .. work on my writing, play my video games, whatever it is I haven't been doing because he's been here. (maybe even housework!) I'll take advantage of the time I have so that it's not empty.

What do cliffs and transformations mean to me? What do I hope to find on the other side? Every transformation has in it the seeds to becoming a better person. When I jump over, I can take that chance to improve myself in a drastic fashion. Those aren't casual opportunities, and there's really nothing else like it. When standing at the edge of the cliff, I have a choice to make. I can pull myself into something greater and jump, or I can ignore my chances and cling to what I know. But when I jump, for those few minutes, I can fly .......